What should I do to ease the pain within?
How should I react to the glaring injustices I see around me?
Why do I feel this way towards someone completely unknown to me?
Ambivalence…ambivalence…ambivalence…is all that I could say!
I cannot find another word to define what I am feeling right now
Something which I find so hard to figure out and understand
“Ambivalence” is a new word for me that I learned from a friend lately
And tonight I found out it exactly defines what I feel at this point in time.
I searched the web for the meaning of “ambivalence” and here’s what Wikipedia says:
Ambivalence is a state of having simultaneous conflicting reactions, beliefs, or feelings towards some object. Stated another way, ambivalence is the experience of having an attitude towards someone or something that contains both positively and negatively valenced components. The term also refers to situations where “mixed feelings” of a more general sort are experienced, or where a person experiences uncertainty or indecisiveness.
Well, what else could I say?
Ambivalence explicitly defines how I feel tonight, obviously!
I tried really hard not to feel this way
But “what to do?” as one of my friends always say.
If there was something I could do not to feel this way today, I would have done it yesterday
But the problem is, I don’t know how. How? How? How?
God knows how hard I tried not to feel this way again
But I made a glaring mistake, got hurt, and now all I wanna do is to escape this feeling I’m starting to hate.
If I could just turn back time, I would not go near you…
…I would not laugh at your jokes
…I would not want to see your smile
…I would not care about you
….and I would not dream of having you in my life.